Spoken arrows, Dying butterflies

I don't know where I picked up this trait from? The one that pushes people I love far away from me and the sincerest and truest apologies that I have to offer afterwards hold no meaning. The hurt is done. An arrow once shot can never be brought back. This particular trait of mine makes me go through bouts of depression, because I know I have caused tremendous pain to a loved one for no fault of his / hers. Everytime, I decide it has to stop at any cost, and all I come up with, are more such knives slicing hearts savagely. Makes me feel no less than a psychopathic cannibal.

I have this strange urge to have the final say in everything - insane argument, sane debate, fun interaction, lazy friendly banter, leg-pulling, professional discussion. I have this weird need to be "heard". I am loud, brash and extremely hurtful when I have to prove a point. And trust me, the problem has lately been growing to a level that makes it extremely uncomfortable for me. And I firmly believe it has something to do with a strange sense of insecurity. Not the type that makes me doubt anything or anyone, but the sort that has me fearing the loss of something extremely valuable to me. Something that'll break my heart into a zillion pieces if I don't keep it close enough to me and just let it go away.

I have heard of setting butterflies free and knowing they are meant to be yours if they come back to you. I have done that a few times before, and at the most important juncture in my life, the prettiest and and the most dazzling butterfly came back into my life, filling it with the most vibrant colours and swirling the shades of positivity, imagination, hope and cheer into fervent action. It is the most special feeling I ever felt. But right now, I am scared of losing that beautiful palette to anything else. It's my dream painted across the horizon. It's the most special thing I ever had. It's close enough for you to touch, you think, but you're always too far away. And only I see its significance for me. Maybe you'll see it someday too, but just not exactly the way I see it for me. It's something only I possess. It's mine and I'm guarding it with all my life.

The guarding aspect of it is what stifling the poor butterfly. The same one that filled my mundane life with those bright hues. I am guarding it way too closely, curbing its movement and killing its spontaenity and its ability to fly around me to surround me with all the strength in the world. I am killing it in trying to save it. I am killing myself.

All I am trying to teach my scared, timid heart is, give space, and let your happiness grow. Open up and make the world your cosy nest, just like that special butterfly in your life is telling you to. It'll have to come back to you if your arms are the world. Just wait patiently. Sometimes, it takes more than ten years to get what you've desired all your life for.

Woman

Have you known her ever?
She, who is of clean mind
And pure heart.
She, who when loved
Loves back in her entirety.
But when challenged
She, personifies the determination
To fight, to exist, to prove herself.
She, whose instinctive nature
Is to nurture
To pass into new hands
The myths, legends, tales, rites
Of aeons ago.
And to show the vision
Of a new and brighter tomorrow.
Of an earth that is free of vices,
Of demons and devils
That strangle freedom
She, who breathes and believes
In the vast treasures of her powers
The power to believe, trust and have faith
In herself and others
In the darkest, lowest hours of life.
The power to face the challenge everyday
To prove herself in a world
Which is lost to her.
A world which breeds and is bred by
Those seeking to rule over the other human.
The power to love, when pained
The power to willingly lose,
Yet not be trapped
By the greed of worthless material gain.
She, is the epitome of patience, passion and persistence.
She, is the one who sees the world
With a new sight everyday.
She spreads lights and colours
As bright as the blossoms in May.
To care, to love, to nurture, to cherish,
She, steps into this world.
Seek and search to find her.
She, is the Woman

What I have learnt the hard way

Not a crime if you want to be different.

Not abnormal if you do what your heart tells you to do.

More to life than talking about things of common sense in a manner which sounds like I have nothing better to do than memorise a thesaurus.

Simplicity – the key to a fun life, loving the simple things in life.

Life is not all about power point presentations, business suits and graphs and statistics. It is neither all about movies, friends and adventure trips. Balance… so easy to talk about and so hard to find. Not claiming that I have found it, but yes, understood its importance.

Experimentation. Crucial to find smarter ways of doing things. Managing a group without a leader. I was a member of a group selling “unconventional” NGO products and still made a considerable profit.

Authority. Not to be scared of. But to be treated with responsibility and respect.

Can be friends with anyone, irrespective of similarities and differences. May not be friends but still can have mutual respect for each other. Need not be rivals to be on different sides of an argument.

Nothing more satisfying than a warm hug from a friend in times of joy or moments of extreme sadness.

Nothing more calming than a patient listener during phases of exasperation and frustration. Giving advices to friends is easy, but one in trouble really appreciates is a listener, not someone who plays agony aunt by jumping to conclusions and giving ready made solutions.

Nothing more exhilarating than being genuinely happy in a friend’s achievement.

Do not take your talents for granted. Absorb from people and situations. Small things that you pick up always help. You may never be able to put these learnings on paper, but that’s ok. There will be times when people will disagree with you, but that’s ok. The fun is not in getting people to agree with you, but in gathering more perspectives and broadening your horizon of thoughts, even though you may not agree.

There is no reason to justify all your actions. There is no real way of labeling something moral or immoral, ethical or unethical, good or bad. It’s all just so subjective.

Actions do speak louder than words. But words can be more scathing than an act of hatred.
To be able to listen without being judgmental is a rare quality. To be able to develop this quality, one has to be a part of groups; not only for academic purposes, but also personally.

Classroom sessions are not the only times when you learn. You learn every moment. But what each one learns is so different from what all the others do.

I am one of those who often thinks India has no future as long as its corrupt people live by their own rules. But at the same time, I can’t help but feel proud as an Indian. Like in life I have my bouts of joys and sorrows, my feelings for my mother land oscillate between disappointment and unadulterated benevolence. What happened to the murderer of Jessica Lall is what should have happened about a year back, but as they say, better late than never.

The power of public opinion and protest is not to be questioned. Just observing how the media and we, the people got together to demand for the justice that Jessica deserved, highlighted a new angle of the psyche of the ordinary Indian. It reminds me of a song…”Hum logon ko samajh sako to samjho dilbar jaani, Jitna bhi tum samjhoge utni hogi hairaani..”

We may be backward. Lies, bribes, hypocrisy and filthy social habits may have put us on the world map as a “Developing nation”, but, at the same time, Jessica’s murder case has reaffirmed our place as the world’s largest democracy. The sad part is that Jessica is no more to see it happen.

But, do we need such costly examples to check the authenticity of our Constitution?

Being Me.

22nd day in my first job. Wonderful so far. People are great and supportive. I seem to have the right work/life balance (but, too soon to make such statements…right?) Except for one small problem…

I am a member of a networking site, where a few of my company people have formed a community of sorts. Since I received an invitation to join in, I did. This community also has some people who have left the company for some time now; reasons for which – I do not know.

It all started with nice welcome messages and introduction. Then the ex-employees began sending me vague messages about the company being not a very good place to be in. About the company doesn’t pay too well compared to most other upcoming firms (read-IT/ ITES/ BPO/ Consulting Houses. Our company doesn’t even remotely compete with such organizations!). I got the feeling that he wanted to reaffirm his ill-faith about the company by listening to me say something on similar lines. I could shut him up then, but I know he will try it with others too.

I don’t know why people try to be “guardian angels” for others. They try to come forward, without being asked to, and want to sway our perceptions towards a certain side, one where they would like to create a strong hold for themselves, be leaders of a group that’s anti-something. That, for many, seems to fulfill their power motive. Leaders of thought, however meaningless and unimportant – any day more powerful than leaders in physical force.

I only asked him to let me have the time to form my own opinion about the company. I did not want to be influenced by what others faced here. Experiences shape our perceptions, but I feel, it also happens the other way round. Our existing perceptions also shape our experiences. If I base my perception of my work place on what my “well-wishers” have to say, my experience will not be good, for I shall start seeing everything in a poor light. All attempts of the company to make me feel welcome would be seen as fattening the goat before devouring it.

I am not saying that these “well-wishers” were trying to turn me anti-my company. Maybe they are trying to help me. But, no thanks! I’ll ask for help when I need it. The least I can do to remain myself, is to have my own experiences and judgments backing my decisions and opinions, for life. And there lies the need to be objective.

I try to feel love in everything I do. When I wake up every morning, I feel love for all the people I know (unless I am in a really crappy mood 'cos of something bad that happened the previous day, and don't know who to blame; rare though). I take every new day as it comes. I believe, loving others has a lot to do with being able to love oneself. Loving oneself doesn't mean being a narcissist (standing in front of the mirror and admiring self). It's being in sync with who I am, being aware of myself, my qualities, talents, my abilities and being perfectly happy with them. Once, I love myself, I can love others. Once I love others, the world is a more beautiful place to live in.

For all those who are wary of love, I might as well say one thing. Giving up on love and giving up on life is not what one should do to live a life free from heartbreaks. Making one's existence vegetable like is not the right thing to do. Life has a lot more to offer than a couple of broken relationships. Wallowing in self-pity is just not done. Introspection is important, but giving up is not. It is one life. Rather than living an eternity being wary of love, one should feel it, experience it and love being in love.

My closest friends were those from school. At least, that's what I used to think. We had no expectations. We did want to share lunch and pencils and stationery. But we were unaffected with what opportunities we could provide each other with in the future. As I have grown older and made more friends, I find myself lonely in a world where all relationships are based on the motto of 'Give and Take'.

I do not blame anyone. Even I find myself expecting people to behave in a certain way and treat me in a way that I define as perfect. Why is it that as we keep growing our mind conditions itself in a way that we begin to expect patterned behaviour and responses from others around us. The psychic constructs become so strong that the unfulfillment of our expectations have the innane strength to create discord in the relationships we are sent with or the ones we choose to make. One moment we are happy in blissful togetherness, the next leaves a bitter after taste when we realise that 'something' was missing.

Should we be so dependent on the psychic constructs that we ignore the beauty of relationships where people just co-exist with each other and choose to be with each other for the simple reason that they enjoy being with each other? Why has the business related concept of Return on Investments become so poular in case of personal relationships too? Are we so easy to condition? It's woth a thought.

A quote from a professor set me thinking, "Where the mind takes over, the fear is greater". I feel it is absolutely true for me. There have been times in my life where I have been really scared of learning things because I tried to analyse pros and cons of the actions that would gointo the learning. For example, I was fond of rock climbing. Once, during a camp a friend fell from some height. Thank God she didn't break her limbs, but she was in a state of mental shock for a very long time and started experiencing sudden bouts of anger for no reason. That left an imprint on my mind. I stopped rock climbing completely.

Last year, during a picnic to Lonavla, I was so scared of getting to the waterfall. I am so glad that my friends encouraged me to get there. I enjoyed the entire experience. They engaged me in mindless conversation, which kept me from thinking, "what if I fall?" They, in some way did not let me think too much. All thanks to them, for they did not let my mind, and subsequently my fear take over.

Plain surprise is what describes the feeling that hit me during introspection the other day. I have no reason to complain about not being happy with life if I choose to feel unhappy. We are sorrowful when we choose to ignore things around us that make us happy. But a friend's question struck me the most. Isn't the environment also responsible for influencing our mood at most of the times? One question leads to another. NO wonder life isn't simple.Also, contexts differ.
Some day, seeing a sunset would mean beauty, an array of vibrant shades across the horizon, and the satisfaction of having lived another day to the fullest. Another day, a sunset would mean the end of something beautiful, arrival of darkness, and thedread of facing another day with its ordeals. Our way of thinking changes from time to time, and from context to context. Can we really control our thoughts so much. If we could, we would all be majorlyself-actualised GURUJIs - the kinds who jump with glee at the prospect of flooding the bookshops with another self-help book.