Friday, May 29, 2009

Love, Lost? ...or Found?

Why did you promise me the world?
When all you could give me were a few charming dreams
Some which were fated to see light of the day,
Whilst others that were doomed to drown in the oceans with the setting sun...

Why is it that the heart desires all or nothing?
A deceitful predicament that shall shatter my being in any case
You can't have it all, so the pain comes in much later (and stronger)
Or, you have nothing, and you live with regrets...

Why the guilt if you smile in times of pain?
Why is the world sometimes bleak despite the shiny sun
And the twinkling stars that have never lost their luminiscence?
A soft sigh to break your heart,
Or a smarting quote to make your heart writhe in miserable torture...

The one that loves you most, hurts you most.
But why feel the hurt if you love?
Questions galore and answers none,
A riddle called life destined to run
Through rain, wind, snow and sun -
You find your soul and the race is won.

The Truth Can Kill You

Ever wondered why it is so difficult to handle the truth?

Why is it so important for me to live up to expectaions and yet have none? I am human too, and in expectations from myself and the people I choose, I find it perfectly humane to be able to do so.... give and take, the basis of all relationships, professional... and PERSONAL. Why is love called unconditional, when it is not?

It kills me bit by bit every single time I have to face the truth that nothing is mine to stake a claim on - no material object, no intangible feeling, no relationship. And yet, I make the same mistake over and over... of wanting to hear what I want to hear, or of wanting people to accept me as I am, and for them to do what would be considered as "understanding me".

I have often said, "I am the way I am, and it is up to the other person to accept me or not". Too bad, I so want certain people to accept me, and I am wiling to go to lengths to mould myself in any which manner possible to gain weightage in the eyes of my near and dear ones. And guess what, intentionaly, or unintentinally, I am rejected. I go and dwell in self depreciation and a feeling of utter dejection till I am on the verge of losing the very last ounce of my sanity.

Right now, I am under the influence of one such heartfelt loss. It makes me think of all those beautiful yesterdays full of unspoken promises, dreams of a perfect and happy world, and a satisfied soul juxtaposed with a sense of a hauntingly sonorous and echoing emptiness, my hands trying desperately to grab and hold on to the virtuality of the past, but groping about failingly to only find real emptiness and a complete sense of loss.

I am lost. So lost... My expectations had laid a part of the foundations of the years to come, but I keep forgetting, fairytales don't come true. They are just dreams. There are no "...happily ever afters". And when the foundations are imaginary, what do I build my future on???